My news feed is littered with pictures of Florence. Many of my friends are converging on the beautiful city for a class that I chose to attend and then changed my mind. Another group of friends is headed to Jamaica today, which is where I thought I was going when I decided not to go to Florence.
When I was trying to decide whether to go or not to go, I followed the energy on all of it, used my intuition to make choices and didn't try to come up with the "logical" answer. Really trusted my gut and my knowing even when I couldn't figure out why. Now that everyone is jetting off out of the country I find myself questioning my judgment. Shrinking. Feeling small and left behind and resentful that I didn't choose to go.
My life is shifting in big ways. Ways I can't understand at the moment and aren't comfortable. I find myself grieving the way my life used to be - the job, the travel, the money, the freedom. And yet if you told me I could go back today and make different choices I wouldn't. I keep holding onto the past and saying, "if only that event hadn't happened I wouldn't be here now, I wouldn't have to go through this." And it's true. I wouldn't be here now. I'd be somewhere else.
My decision to stay home will lead me somewhere else too. Somewhere I wouldn't have gone if I was sitting in a coffee shop in Florence right now instead of Pittsburgh. I'm sure years from now if you ask me if I want to go back and choose Florence I will say no. Because I trusted my gut, and it led me right where I needed to go. Even if I can't see it now. And even if I have to go through some growing pains to get there. Yes, my life is definitely morphing and evolving and shifting into something new. It frustrates me that I can't see what it is, that I don't have the big picture. All I can do is ask myself every day, "What do I really desire my life to look like?" And "How can I outcreate myself today?" And, "If I wasn't making this significant, what would I choose?"
I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure series of books when I was a kid, and Sliding Doors is my favorite movie. I wonder what it is about the "alternate ending" that fascinates me so much. What if each road before me leads somewhere equally magnificent, just different in it's own way?
Universe, show me something beautiful.
The Road Not Taken
By Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.