If you were truly creating your life today, what would you choose right away?

This question hit me like a 2 x 4 today. I wrote about feeling depressed last week, feeling like I had no ability to change the things that weren't working in my life. I was so deep in a hole that I couldn't find my way back out.

This week I had a realization. I'm not depressed, I'm exhausted. It's hard to think straight when you're exhausted. I also felt trapped by my expectations of myself and the expectations others have of me. My husband and I weren't getting along, my 9 yr old was acting like he had just had his 17th birthday, and the twins weren't sleeping through the night. I had no time for me or the things I enjoy and I just spiraled down into one big pity party of "can't."

And that's where I got really frustrated. And lost. Because I know better. I know that all I have to do is set my mind to something, and I can create it. Instead of creating it, I was coming up with all the reasons I couldn't have it or couldn't change it. (I'm not even sure what "it" is at the moment, other than a possibility that felt completely out of reach.) I was coming up with all the reasons I couldn't create the life I wanted because of my responsibilities to everyone else. And forgetting about my responsibility to nurture me.

Yes, my life has changed direction over the past year, and no, I didn't ask for any of it, but that doesn't mean I can't change it. Last week I felt hopeless and trapped, this week I realize I'm never trapped unless I allow myself to be.

Where does feeling small serve me? What am I making vital about being a victim? Or a martyr? Or the perfect wife and mother? What could I choose today that would change things right away? And then today's question - if I were truly creating my life, what would I choose right away? I'll tell you this much, it's much different than I have been choosing, and things feel lighter already.

What else is possible now, I wonder? Anything really. Where do I begin?.........................

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