21 Days of Change - DAY 21!

Wow - things never turn out the way you think they will, and this isn't the way I expected to end this 21 days. How ironic to end on Independence Day, when I'm feeling less independent than I have since I was 12. My time and my life depend on the needs of the three beautiful beings in the picture above, and my desires have taken a backseat - for now.

Yesterday I finally admitted that I'm not doing well. I've had an amazing outpouring of support on this page in response and I am so grateful. Every comment is like a little life saver being thrown my way, helping me make it through the day.

I've realized a few things today.
1. It's not the short term exhaustion that's bothering me. I actually have an amazing husband who comes home from a 12 hr day and helps with the babies, and some pretty amazing friends. It's the fact that every day is the same and there isn't any time for variety.
2. I'm realizing how much I thrive on variety.
3. I've been trying to figure out what it is I miss so much about the traveling. It's the different languages and smells and food and culture and sights. Everything is new and different and exciting. That's what I'm missing.
4. I'm also missing the freedom. The freedom to jump on a plane whenever I want to go somewhere - anywhere. (Now I don't even have the freedom to jump in the car whenever I want.)

And the biggest a-ha of the day - what am I resisting, that if I stopped resisting it, would create more ease in my life? I thought at first it was an unwillingness to receive (and that may still me part of it), but I sense there is a real resistance to something here too. I'm resisting being grounded, stuck, boring, normal - I want to be different. Hmm, interesting point of view those are the words that come up for me, considering I spend a lot of time trying to be the same and blend in. What would it take to stop resisting them?

I've been stuck in the past a lot today. This time last year we were getting ready to leave for Europe. I keep thinking how I had life set up just the way I wanted it, and now everything has changed. I wonder what my life would look like if I stopped trying to create from the past? What would it take to enjoy every moment with my kids, in whatever way it's showing up right now? What would it take to feel free and different and excited again? What could I add to my days to get me through, until we all become more mobile again? I wonder....

At least I'm starting to function from the question again, which I haven't been for the last few days. I've just been mired in the conclusion that my life sucks and will for the foreseeable future. Maybe there is hope after all.

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