We've finally set foot on foreign soil, the seeds of this journey planted way back in February (and well before that if I'm honest.) It feels good to finally be on the road, even though it looks nothing like our original plan. The lessons of letting go continue to unfold.
In Access Consciousness we talk about something called a beyond. A beyond is an experience that is beyond belief. It stops your heart, catches your breath, and makes your head spin. It's beyond anything your rational mind believes could happen.
I experienced my first true beyond in February, and at the time I thought it might be the end of my marriage. Instead of dying, the circumstances breathed new life into our marriage (in more ways than one, and I don't just mean because we're having twins.) It ended up creating the change in our relationship I had been asking for, although I didn't realize it at the time.
This week I experienced my second biggest beyond, when we found out I am carrying twins. 10 years ago I desperately wanted another baby, and over the last few years I had finally let go of that dream and started focusing on something else.
After the initial shock the day of the pregnancy test, I adjusted pretty easily to the idea of being pregnant again. I had visions of baby gear minimalism - all I needed was one of those pieces of fabric that somehow miraculously transforms into a sling, which attaches the baby to you in a way that looks reasonably comfortable for all involved. Yeah, I might be 42 and the age of a grandmother, but I can handle this!
As I walked through the airport today I was hit with another beyond. I watched a single woman with a baby (she clearly had the fabric contraption mastered) breeze through the airport with ease. Another woman practically skipped through the parking lot with a toddler strapped to her back, not a care in the world. My heart stopped for a minute as I wondered how I would ever leave the house by myself with two babies, much less be able to travel anywhere. Just the thought of trying to get two babies dressed and in the car and out of the car made my head swim and I had to sit down for a minute.
While I sat there (willing myself to start breathing again), my thoughts traveled back to February. I remembered how I thought life had irreversibly changed and how distraught I was for awhile. Life had changed, and it changed for the better.
I had no idea how I would get through that time, but it brought me one of the biggest gifts I have ever known. We grew closer from that experience and have a better relationship now than we did on our wedding day. The thought brought a smile to my face, and I was able to stand up again without my knees shaking.
We are blessed that these two miraculous beings have chosen to come into our lives at this particular moment in time. Talk about an adventure! I'm finally learning to let go of my plan and the way I think things "should" happen, because something bigger than me is clearly at work here.
So the next time you run into a beyond of your own, try asking yourself, " Is this the change I've been asking for?" Things don't always show up the way we think they will. And if it's anything like my life, letting go of your conclusions might turn out even better than you had planned. All you have to do is stay open to the possibilities.