3:30 am the morning of December 26th. Clearly the sleeping issues haven't been resolved since my last post at the beginning of the month. And what an interesting month it's been.
We have finally moved into the house, and it's beginning to feel like a home instead of just a place to stash boxes for a year. That's a good thing, because physically I haven't been able to leave the house much for the last week or two, and it's looking like it may be that way for the rest of the pregnancy. Not being able to travel is one thing, but not being able to drive myself anywhere or even walk down to the pond is another. At first I fought the unwanted confinement with a serious bout of cranky pants, followed by a giant pity party, and finally I've ended up where I am now, giving up resistance and reaction to the situation and just being (or at least doing the best I can to not resist and react.)
The whole situation has allowed me to address an issue that has been difficult for me in the past - receiving. I am immensely grateful to all of the family and friends that have helped us over the last few weeks - with everything from cleaning and unpacking, to moving furniture, to doing laundry, to offering Bars sessions and body processes.
At first it was difficult for me to accept help when I wasn't in a position to give back, especially when someone would offer a Bars or bodywork session and I just didn't have the energy to do a trade. I've always liked things to be fair and balanced (the Libra in me), and I realized that I had always had the point of view that it is best not to "owe" anyone. I had also been taught, as many of us have, that it was better to give than to receive.
But what about the times when we don't have the energy or the capacity to give? In the past I would have just turned down the offers of help if I couldn't reciprocate, or just felt guilty that I wasn't spending more time helping others in need. A good friend of mine helped me realize that receiving a gift with gratitude is often a gift in itself, with nothing else expected or required in return. No one is keeping score, and there is no "owing" when someone genuinely wants to help.
Since our conversation I have said yes to everything that's been offered, even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when I feel like the receiving is one sided. Even when I know I may not be able to return the favor for months, if at all. I must admit it brings up some interesting emotions writing about receiving after the biggest "giving" day of the year. Tonight all I have left to give is my gratitude and love, for all of the givers in my life who have taught me how to receive. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How did I get so lucky?
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night. xx