6 am. Been up for 3 hours. I thought the sleepless nights weren't supposed to come until the babies did? I can't get comfortable. Sleeping. Waking. Living. It's like I'm constantly at war with my body, my mind and my relationships. Why am I choosing this? Why is not a great question by the way, as it involves searching for a solution. A better one would be, what would it take to change this? I'm making something valuable about it or I would already be choosing something different.
I should be celebrating. (There it is, the evil "should" word). We signed a year long lease for a house yesterday, and instead of feeling joyful I feel trapped. Traveling is over, time to settle down and buy everything all over again that we just gave away in the spring. (See, I still haven't let go of that sentiment from the last post.) What would it take to focus on the future possibilities instead of focusing on why this year didn't turn out as planned? What would it take to sleep through the night without anxiety and worry? What would it take to stop imprisoning myself in the past and create the future?
A choice, that's what it would take. A demand for something different to show up and then choosing it. I can question all I want, and destroy and uncreate the point of creation of all these limiting thoughts and beliefs, but sometimes it just comes down to making a different choice.
I didn't write last week because I was tired of hearing myself whine and figured no one else wanted to hear it either. I hesitated when writing this post, as I wanted to write something cheery and positive, especially around the holidays. I keep bragging about how the tools of Access have changed my life (and they have), so I didn't want to write something else "negative", especially when I'm in the middle of hosting a telecall series called "choosing the gift of you."
Writing anything else at this moment would be inauthentic and disingenuous, and I've actually had a little bit of an a-ha by allowing myself to be vulnerable and share my raw feelings. Instead of being in allowance about my feelings and the space I am in, I am totally judging them. I'm making myself wrong for feeling this way, and for not being able to pull myself back into "positivity" more quickly. And it makes me realize that these tools are here for all aspects of life. The good, the bad and the ugly.
What would it take to stop judging myself and just be? What would it take to open up to the amazing possibilities before me, and stop judging that it didn't show up the way I thought it would or wanted it to? What would it take to stop choosing trauma and drama over gratitude? It would take a demand for something different to show up and then a new choice. (And allowance and gratitude for myself if I choose to stay right here for another week.) And most importantly, what would it take to get some sleep? That alone might make all the difference.