It's finally happened. The time has come to settle back down somewhere and await the arrival of the twins. I had hoped to squeeze in one last trip to Australia, but for numerous reasons that doesn't seem to be in the cards right now.
The decision to stop traveling, along with searching for a house, has made the last few weeks an emotionally charged minefield for me. I never know quite what I'm going to encounter that might cause unexpected tears. (Case in point, I've just started crying in Starbucks as I write this.)
I realize what I'm going through is change, and change can be uncomfortable. I also know that just because something is uncomfortable doesn't mean it's bad, sometimes it's necessary to shed the old way of being to step into something new. Even with all this awareness and all of my Access tools (which make it soooo much easier to navigate this time of change, when I choose to use them), I found myself stuck in certain thought patterns that weren't really assisting me in expanding my reality.
For example, searching for a house has made me feel a bit like Goldilocks. Too close to the city, too far from the city, too big, too small, too much stuff to fit, not enough stuff to fill. Every time we looked at a house that didn't work out I would think to myself, we had the perfect house for 5 of us and we gave it up. We sold (and mostly gave away) almost everything, because our plan was to be on the road for an extended period of time and downsize when we got back. Even something as small as my mom asking if we still had our Christmas tree, which we gave away because we couldn't sell it, set me off. I expected to be in some far off country for Christmas, not settling back into a home and having to re-purchase everything again.
I found myself either stuck in negativity, saying things to myself like - I'm so sick of this, I can't believe this is happening, or asking questions that weren't going to change anything - How did this happen? Why did we get rid of all of our stuff? I eventually realized that this line of thinking was only going to make me more depressed, and certainly wasn't going to change anything. So I started asking different questions instead, not looking for the answers but just opening my mind to different possibilities and choices. Questions like -
What would it take to change this?
What am I creating with this choice?
What's one thing I can choose today to change this right away?
What's right about this I'm not getting?
What detoxification of the past am I refusing, that I could be choosing, that if I would choose it, would create a whole different reality for me right now?
Realizing I had a choice in how I responded to my situation, instead of just feeling helpless and at the effect of it, started to shift things. (And having my bars run regularly has helped immensely.) I have also been reminding myself that things never show up the way I think they will. What if all of this shifting is exactly what I've been asking for?
I can't say I've stopped having difficult days and everything is perfect, or that I remember to stop and ask questions every time I'm feeling down, but when I do it makes all the difference. Choice creates awareness, and remembering to stay in the question helps me see that I do have choices. Making a choice then shifts the energy and allows something new to show up.
I'll leave you with the question that has helped me the most when I seem to get stuck in the energy of what could have been, or when I find myself trying to create from the past.
What would it take to make a different choice right now?