Transition. What a pain in the ass. Unless you thrive on uncertainty, transition can be a painful process. Stepping into the unknown. Stepping out of the comfort zone. Stepping into a new possibility. Transition can make our wildest dreams come true, if we can just let go of what we are clinging to that doesn’t really serve us anymore.
The “what if” monster makes it hard to release the comfort of the familiar. What if there’s nothing better out there? What if I make a mistake? What if I’m better off now than I will be if things change?
And what if I’m not? What if there is a greater possibility out there that I’m not acknowledging because I’m so afraid of change. I’m so afraid of releasing my death grip on what’s not working, that I can’t receive the gift waiting for me if I do. I’m so afraid of moving forward that I’m suffocating under the weight of my own inaction.
I feel like I've been asking myself, "Now what?" for an eternity. I know my purpose, I just don’t know my path. I know there is something bigger and better and juicier out there, if only I could knock down this concrete wall of fear. The fear of not being loved. The fear of not being accepted. The fear of failing. The fear of being me.
Time and time again I think, “I’ve got this, I’m ready to move forward.” And every time that wall goes up and that little voice says, “No you’re not. Stay small. Stay safe. Stay put.” My soul is aching and my hands are bloodied from trying to claw through this wall again and again. Day after day I sit at my computer, on facebook, or on the phone with friends lamenting my predicament. All the while the sledgehammer sits at my feet, just waiting for me to pick it up.
I am the architect of this wall. I gave birth to it. And only I can destroy it. I keep heaving the sledgehammer over my head only to let it fall to the ground, unused. It's much easier to try and scratch through the wall with my fingernails. That way I'll never have to make a decision, because I'll never get to the other side. I’m tired of feeling paralyzed. I’m tired of not knowing what I want. And most of all, I’m tired of inaction.
How many times have I promised myself, “This is it. I’m changing, and I’m not going back.” And here I sit. Humpty Dumpty. I don’t have the King’s horses. I don’t have the King's men. All I have is me. And this sledgehammer.