Backsliding the last few days. Had the entire weekend free, or in other words free to catch up on all the stuff around the house I have been putting off during my non-free weekends. So what did I do? Sat around trying to win an Oscar for my performance of a slug. I don't think my portrayal was very accurate, unless slugs have started spending ridiculous amounts of time on Facebook.
The only thing I did have the urge to do was write, but I couldn't figure out what to write about. Journaling didn't appeal, and neither did blogging because I didn't have anything profound to say. I settled for just scribbling down some random thoughts, a question and answer session with myself regarding emotions, desires, letting go, leaning in, etc. The writing proved to be cathartic, and just what I needed, and yet afterward I felt like I had wasted my time. I have so little time to devote to writing, and I felt guilty taking time to write about something no one would ever see but me. Not that I have some huge following salivating over my every word, but the thought of helping just one person with my writing is what keeps me going, keeps me motivated, and keeps me stretching outside of my comfort zone.
All of these thoughts brought about my dilemma for this morning - what to do about the evolution of my blog. Now that I've made the commitment to post once a week, I suddenly don't know what to write about. When I first started blogging, I was writing about alternative therapies and new experiences, things that I really thought might benefit people. Lately I've started to become more self centered with my writing, putting the focus back on me and my growth and transformation. That might not be as interesting for someone else to read, but I am starting to see it is exactly what I need to be doing right now. And it reminds me of the message I have received over and over this week, from myself and several friends. Get out of the way. Let go. Ride the current. Let it lead me wherever it is I need to go without trying to direct it. Instead of writing about what I think I "should" write about and trying to find a purpose, I need to focus on what I'm called to write about, even if the only beneficiary is me.
I have been reading Richard Bach's "Illusions" over the last few weeks. The book explains that we can open any book, magazine, even a newspaper, and whatever page we open to will have a message for us. Feeling a little adrift this morning, I decided to try it out. I opened "Illusions", and to my surprise found myself staring at the the pages that describe the process I just mentioned. The quote on the page was this - "You teach best what you most need to learn." Interesting, especially since I had just given this same message to a friend last week. Apparently, it was meant for both of us.
So where do I go from here? I wish I could tell you, but I don't know myself. For the first time in a long time, I think I'm finally at peace with that idea. The only thing left for me to do now is take a deep breath, let go, give in, and get out of the way. I'm willing to give it a try.