The past two months have been extremely difficult. Lacking motivation, I berated myself for my laziness and inability to accomplish much of anything. Physical symptoms began to accompany the already uncomfortable mood swings and feelings of anxiety I was experiencing. Multiple sessions to the Naturopath, hundreds of dollars in supplements, and many reiki sessions could not alleviate my dark mood.
During this time, one of the few things I managed to routinely accomplish was a brief morning meditation. It was during one of these meditation sessions that I encountered the phrase, "Dark Night of the Soul." Having no idea what it meant, an exhaustive internet search ensued, leading me to peruse every type of website available on the topic.
A straight forward entry from Wikipedia decribes a Dark Night of the Soul as "a metaphor used to describe a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation." Another description I found incredibly helpful was this page from themystic.org, which calls the Dark Night a transformation brought about by dismantling of the ego.
Once I began to accept the events of the last few weeks as positive rather than negative, things began to change. Rather than continually praying for the experience to end, total surrender was beginning to lift the dark cloud I had allowed to engulf me. As my ego began to fall away, I discovered I no longer felt the same way about issues that had upset me in the past. I accepted responsibility for situations where I had wronged someone else, rather than blaming them. I realized that my defensiveness and need to self protect no longer served me. Although still a work in progress, I was able to see my controlling nature for what it was, a detriment to my well being.
With gratitude I slowly ascend from the Dark Night, and realize it was a necessary part of my evolution. There is much inner growth left to accomplish, and everything is not back to sunshine and roses. Learning to accept the experience rather than fight it, my anxiousness continues to fall away and inner peace begins to emerge. Surrender is not giving up, but giving in, so that the light may begin to shine anew.