What could I accomplish if I got out of my own way? And more importantly, what's with the self-sabotage?
One of my goals lately has been to stop using the word should. I have to admit, it's not going very well. "I should get out of bed and do yoga. I should start writing -a blog, a story, a journal entry, anything. I should go through that pile of mail. I should do the numerous "get organized" house projects I have been waiting for winter to accomplish. Guess what? Winter is halfway over, and the projects are still not complete." With this tape playing in my head all day, it's no wonder I was feeling sorry for myself and lacked the motivation to do anything.
After some introspection this evening, I realized that the only thing stopping me from doing all of these things was myself. I didn't have to wait for or depend on anyone else, I just had to make the conscious decision to get moving. That thought on it's own actually helped me accomplish a few things. Then I had a bit of a revelation while I was discussing my situation with a friend. It still amazes me that I can ponder a situation all day long in my head, and it is not until I actually engage my brain to talk about the issue that the answer suddenly becomes crystal clear.
As a child, we hear from various sources that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, etc. I am lucky enough as an adult to only have one person that still talks to me that way. That person is me. By not accomplishing tasks I feel I "should" be doing, I am unwittingly keeping that same old message of unworthiness playing in my head. Why do I feel the need to put myself down when no one else is? I have no idea. Maybe to keep myself stuck? Or is it the fear of what I could accomplish if I got out of my own way? I guess the fact that I am conscious of what I am doing is a good first step.
During the discussion with my friend, I also remembered something useful that would have helped me all day long had I remembered it earlier. I had an intense reiki session with two of my friends last night. When it was my turn, they worked on my solar plexus chakra (self esteem and ego), and my sacral chakra (control, guilt, creativity). I released some major issues I was holding on to. So much so that the recurring thought that kept running through my head afterwards was "I am confident." I have never in my life said or felt those three words regarding myself. What I conveniently forgot was that the day after a session like that, I need to be kind to myself. Relax and be gentle. Moving that amount of energy and those kind of long held beliefs takes an adjustment period, and it was normal for me to be out of sorts today.
Part of my fear today was that I was sliding back into a period of unproductive malaise. After some thought redirection, I realized that instead of the start of a downward spiral this could be the first day of my ascension. Out of the ashes of the control freak, guilt ridden, low self esteem person I was yesterday, rises the self confident person I have always wished I could be. Sounds good. Now I just have to make myself believe it.