Wow. I know it's been a while since I've blogged, but I didn't realize it had been a month. It's not for lack of material, or because I don't want to write. I just haven't had any motivation. The old me would have said I didn't have time to write. The new me realizes that's not entirely true. It would be more accurate to say I haven't made the time to write.
I've been going through an interesting period lately. I only worked the first 3 days of the month, so I have been home for an extended period of time. Even though I have had this extra "free" time, the days seem to be whizzing by faster than normal. Time seems to have accelerated, and I am frazzled because I have all of this time off but don't seem to be accomplishing anything. There is never a time when I am just sitting around doing nothing, but at the end of the day I don't know where the time has gone. I'm certainly not doing spiritual things, self help, reiki or writing; these have all been pushed to the bottom of the "to do" list. I can't get motivated to make them a priority, and then I feel guilty about not doing them.
I realize that I will go through resting periods, gaining strength for the next big thing coming my way. Sustaining a rocket ship trajectory of growth is not sustainable or even desirable, and I realize this. I know this is one of those resting periods. I'm in the upside down bell curve as my husband said last night. I should just relax, be gentle with myself, and not judge myself for what I am accomplishing or not accomplishing. Because I know this, I get even more frustrated at myself because I am feeling unhappy and guilty about where I am with my evolution.
After spending time with some inspirational friends last night, I think I am ready to start growing again. Or at least to stop being so hard on myself. It is a fine line between urging myself forward so I don't become stagnant, and giving myself the time and space crucial to my spiritual growth. I need to absorb the changes I am trying to make so I can move on. I am trying to change some core beliefs that have been a part of my life forever (doubt, fear, and trust to name a few). This is a huge shift, and I need to be gentle with myself until it assimilates.
Writing is very therapeutic, and I think I just had a breakthrough as I wrote the last paragraph. In the past, I have very enthusiastically started projects and then lost interest. The last month has been a period of slow growth, while I try to absorb a change before I move forward. There is a part of me that fears I am giving up on myself when I go through a period like this. That I am losing interest, or losing faith, and that this will end up like all of those other abandoned projects. That's what leads to the guilt, and then the vicious cycle because I know I shouldn't feel guilty. I know I am exactly where I need to be.
That was my first goal after Warrior Monk; to look in the mirror every morning for a month and say "I am exactly where I need to be." Coincidentally, it was right after I stopped doing this that the unmotivated funk settled in. I think maybe I need to make that a morning practice again.
I will have some interesting things to write about this week, and I can feel my enthusiasm returning already. For a while now, I have been interested in finding out more about Ayurveda; a traditional healing modality from India. I am especially interested in panchakarma, which helps detox and restore balance to the body. I can't write any more about it now, because I don't really know anymore about it. I have just had an intuitive feeling that I need to check it out, and I have a consultation appointment with an Ayurvedic practitioner tomorrow. I'll be educating all of us about it later this week.