"It was only my acceptance of labels and definitions of others that made me "Who I Am Now," when, in reality, I was free to be anyone." An excerpt from "The Sin Eater's Last Confession."
I've spent my life being the over achiever, trying to please everyone. I always felt the need to make people proud of me, to be proud of myself. "Do whatever it takes to get the pat on the back and make people like you," seemed to be my motto. What I'm realizing now is that it doesn't matter if other people like you, the most important thing is that you like yourself. Rumi said, "start a huge foolish project like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you." I think I finally understand that, and I am letting myself start to believe it.
I spent a lot of time at Warrior Monk dealing with the fear, worry, and doubt that surrounded me growing up. I had a wonderful childhood with very loving parents, and I mean them no disrespect by what I'm about to say. The feeling I carried with me from childhood thru becoming an adult is that the world is not a safe or happy place, and this came mostly from my Dad. Don't trust anyone, always question someones motives, think of what could go wrong and the reasons you can't, shouldn't, wouldn't etc.
I have fallen right into this belief system, and I didn't trust anyone, let alone myself. I've been ignoring my intuition and longing, knowing that I'm called to do something to help others, but questioning where this feeling is coming from. The old, "What if" question kept rearing it's ugly head. "What if" something goes wrong? "What if" you make the wrong decision. The lack of trust in myself is holding me back from doing something bigger with my life. Well, it was holding me back. I managed to dump a lot of my fear, worry and doubt at Warrior Monk thru their creation exercises. They made me realize that the things I get most upset about are my own creations. If they are my creations and I create my own reality, then I can change by beliefs or release those that no longer serve me. This is a very simplified description of a complex process, but hopefully you get the idea.
So now I find myself at the threshold of a new path. No longer worried so much about what other people think of me, and ready to see the world in a new, rose colored light. Am I going to be naive and stupid? No. But I am also not going to be afraid to express the true me, the real me that has been bottled up inside for a while.
This blog has been the first step in expressing myself, and I'm ready to let more people know about it. Some of my closest friends don't even know I'm writing it, and I think they will be quite surprised. If I start to get nervous I will just think of Noah, and all that he accomplished by not worrying about what others thought of him. I'm sure some of his friends thought he had lost his mind. I may not accomplish what Noah did for the world, but what I will accomplish by being true to myself is invaluable to me. Don't worry friends, there may not be a flood coming, but I know what I'm doing.